Only say the words

I do not know what words to write. There have been so many words written already. So many endings and beginnings. I have lost my faith. Yesterday I sat at this table for hours and wrote nothing but your name. I wrote it in the four corners of the page, as if by doing so I might conjure you at it's centre. I wrote it while waiting to begin, but how can I begin without faith? I have gone through days when I was certain I would never sit down again and try to write anything. I have despised myself for the weeks and months of unlived life spent creating those books of mine that stand on the shelf above the fireplace. What was first a refuge became the place where I was most comfortable, where I could forgive God His own oversights and blunders and make the plots come out right. But what now? I seem to know no other way of living except to sit each day before the white screen and listen for the words. I do not want to invent a meaning this time. I don't want to pretend there is a God or that the innocent die for reasons secret and profound. And so I sit here, and feel your absence and wonder how to begin a live without you Begin. Kate. The blankness of the page is like a hurt. I write your name on the paper tonput you back into my life. As though words were real things. As though when I write your name you are here. Kate. I'm sitting at SP's library waiting for statistics class to start. I picked a book 'only say the word' , read the first page. And started tearing. I find those words really touching. And maybe cause I'm listening songs, emo mood! I'm gonna borrow this! :)